Get a job, hippie!  Quit looking at your psychedelia and playing with your imagination.  Oh wait... in this case they're actually mathematicians.  Well... get a real job!

Also, it's revealed that the Grateful Dead were sharp businessmen.  

The whole world has gone topsy-turvy.  This chart won't help clear anything up:

I decree that the following words or phrases should be considered derogatory, profane, or otherwise unfit for use in polite company by the year 2011. 

• Ausgezeichnet
• Barrister
• Barton Fink
• Crankshaft
• Dardanelles
• Dyspeptic
• Estes Kefauver
• Hollandaise
• Klickitat
• Op/Ed
• Petion
• Ratatat
• Segue
• There
• Türkoğlu

Let's put our shaming fingers to work!

We try to run a fair points competition here at 2log.  And by fair, I mean grossly dishonest, corrupt, and prone to bribery.

But while conducting my routine audit of last week's points competition, I came across something weird.  The winner of last week was one Ms. Florence the Diva Horse, a.k.a. Flo Sparkles Divine, a commenter who appeared once about a year ago and never commented since.

But you see, the particular algorithm that calculates the winner of the 2log points competition is something like the Goblet of Fire from Harry Potter.  It seems to work by magic, and its word is gospel.  In Harry Potter's fourth year, all of Hogwarts was atwitter when the goblet of fire chose Harry Potter as a fourth competitor for the Triwizard Tournament, in clear violation of the rules of the tournament guidelines.  In his infinite wisdom, Dumbledore assumed the goblet knew best and allowed the contest to continue with all four, and was ultimately vindicated when the Triwizard Tournament ended with the death of the much-maligned Cedric Diggory (SPOILER ALERT).

Similarly, we may think it odd that the 2log has chosen "Flo Sparkles Divine" to win last week's competition, but we have to accept its wisdom.  Thanks to all the 2loggers for your hard work writing entertaining articles for our readership, but roll out the red carpet for this week's reigning champion... that horse.

Expert mixologist Aaron returns with more Oscar-themed cocktails.

Movie	Drink	Ingredients	Comments
Inglorious Basterds	Ginglorious Basterds	Gin, Jager, Blood Orange	German and bloody.
Up in the Air	Up in the Flare	A shot of sambuca mini, lit on fire	Clooney's favorite drink meets his job activity.
The Blind Side	The Blind Cider	Blavod (black vodka), Martinelli's Apple Cider	The strong/sweet combo of the ingredients mirrors how Quinton Aaron and Sandra Bullock combine for 128 minutes of greatness.
District Nine	District Wine	South African Stellenbosch Wine, Watermelon, Shrimp (optional)	One of the top-rated South African wines, with a dash of racism.  The optional shrimp reference the derogatory term "prawns" from the movie.
An Education	An Educa-sin	Pims, Gin, Blue Curacao	A beverage inspired by Mother Britain.  The red, white, and blue ingredients form the colors of the Union Jack.
The Hurt Locker	The Hurt Liquor	24 oz. Tequila, filled with spiders and apathy	Not for the faint of heart.
Precious	Preshake	Milkshake made of bourbon, chocolate ice cream, and bacon	Bacon makes everything great
A Serious Man	A Serious Drink	A lukewarm glass of mineral water	Serve without garnish
Up	Heaven-Up	Aged Suntory whiskey and Seven-Up	The stiffness of age meets the sweet effervescence of youth.  The bubbles lift away your earthly troubles.
Avatar	Guavatar	Guava Nectar, Blue Curacao, psilocybin	Mixed properly, should cause you to see extra dimensions for hours

Th gntlnt hs bn tssd nd Shy's chllng hs bn ccptd!  Mrk nd  hv fnshd cdng RPN 14, "Dsmvwld", whch tks ny wbpg nd rmvs th vwls.  Fr nstnc, hr's  scrnsht f Fnngn's wk wtht vwls.  Mks vn ls sns:

 Hwvr, th ffcl Sm Dngmn twttr cct mks mr sns:

njy, by vstng http://rpn.2log.biz//dsmvwld/

Dcs!

Every man remembers his or her first suit. 

I was in college, and needed to assemble a suit for an interview in NY. 

The coat I stole from the drama department's poorly guarded costume room.

The shirt was a short sleeve collared shirt with the Pepsi logo proudly emblazoned over my left boob.  During the interview, I couldn't move my left arm for fear of being exposed as a Pepsi sympathizer.

I recall the pants being sweat pants, or something like it.

I didn't get the job, but I'm still proud.  If I could make that look so good, I can make anything look so good.

Awww... isn't that cute?  The Park Slope Courier again has its finger on the pulse of the nabe:

Awww... a raccoon is having babies.  Isn't that precious, and clearly worthy of a 125 point headline.  I hope the raccoon gave birth before 5 pm.  Lemme just unfold it to read the heartwarming details, and YEEEEEEEEEEGADS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  MY REALITY REMAINS ONE OF ABJECT FEAR!!!!!

Kids!  How can you smile at a time like this.  Sled faster, for you know not what unholy danger lurks behind!  

This rabid raccoon is even scarier than that time you had to cross the intersection.

The good ole' US of A may be leading in the Olympic medal count, but the rest of the country is cannonballing into anarchy right now.  Yet somehow, the following terrifying stories have failed to make a splash in our collective consciousnesses:

• Nut job domestic terrorists are flying planes into buildings.
• Professors, once the last bastion of anti-2nd amendment fervor, are unloading clips all up ons their campuses (which also shoots holes in my theory).
• Beneath the media's vigilant eye, occasionally charming stories bubble up, like this one out of Detroit:

"[I] just drove through Detroit and mistakenly got off the highway to get gas.  I pulled into a gas station and there was immediately offered drugs. Then when I said no, I was aggressively asked to "lend" him $100. Then he walked back into the store. Adjusted his pants which is when I saw a gun. I got the fuck out of there pretty quick. The store clerk was just sitting there behind his bullet proof glass looking terrified but I'm pretty sure he couldn't do anything because he'd just get shot. If I had been there a few more seconds I'm pretty sure I would have been shot and/or robbed. After I told some people I got some more stories about how terribly bad it is there. Truckers won't even go into the city anymore. Businessmen are afraid to go to work even when they work downtown. There are murders every day. Seriously, how the fuck does a city like this exist in a western nation?"

One might argue that these stories happened in states on the wrong side of the bell curve, so it's not exactly like we were expecting much of them.  But terrifying crap like this is even happening right outside my damn window (EDIT: I can't afford windows).

All this anarchy reinforces my theory that humans aren't noble creatures, but ferocious animals.  Sheeple!  Surrender your useless illusions about humanity, like "civility" and "progress."  We live in an eat what you kill world, and competition has never been more cutthroat.  Grab a blade.

I believe that starring in the movie "Valentine's Day" is a cry for help.  Here's why the following folks, who had an average of 32 seconds of screen time in the movie, are rethinking their careers:

Jessica Alba	Fantastic Four
Jessica Biel	As the second "Jessica", she's forced to serve as Jessica Alba's stunt double
Bradley Cooper	The poor man's Matthew McConaughey.  Or the rich man's.
Ashton Kutcher	As the first person to a million Twitter followers, he's officially the most trivial person in the world
Julia Roberts	Face like Alfred E. Neuman was tossed in a blender with a rabid koala
Jamie Foxx	One 'x' in his last name away from going pornographic
Anne Hathaway	Died over 350 years ago
Shirley MacLaine	Was only given part in movie as Ashton Kutcher's love interes
Hector Elizondo	Given coolest name in the world at birth, all downhill from there
Jennifer Garner	Married Ben Affleck
Patrick Dempsey	The poor man's Bradley Cooper
Eric Dane	Thinks his alter ego is Eric Bana, and is upset about the Hulk movie
Emma Roberts	Who?  Is this some Pokemon the kids are all into?
Taylor Swift	Beyoncé had one of the best music videos of all time
Taylor Lautner	Stunt double rule (see Jessica Alba)
Queen Latifah	Glass ceiling will forever keep her from becoming king
Topher Grace	Fills the useless niche of "wussier than Elijah Wood"
Carter Jenkins	WASPiest name ever
George Lopez	Hit by shrapnel from Conan-Leno late-night feud.  When he awakened, he was in this movie.
Kathy Bates	Proves the rule that once an actress does a nude scene, her career tanks